Kevin's Bio

Kaye Lazar needs internet attention like a typist needs a left thumb!

Born in 1951 in Squatville, North Carolina, all he ever cared about was candy and soda. As a result, he never got taller that 4’7" and still looks like a 13 year old boy with a hangover. Lazar’s lack of maturity subsequently makes him a hip icon to present day 13 year old boys. Sort of like how Barry Manilow and David Cassidy appeal to the 13 year old girls of the present day.

Educated at the University of Phoenix, Lazar reflects on his college days: "I was in a virtual frat house since UP is an online school for geeks with GED’s. Our chapter was Alpha Gamma Omicron--AGO---Always Give an Orgasm!

We used to haze the pledges by forcing the grunts to admit that Captain Kirk never existed and the Mickey Mouse characters at Disneyland are just greasy men dressed in costumes. These kids cried until they wet their pants, and we laughed at them until we wet our pants--with beer!"

Lazar got his start on the campus radio station where his handle was "Colin Morrow."

He had to change his name, because Lazar sounded too...old testament. Show business was in his urine, and when he graduated, he remained at his job at one of Cincinnati's fanciest restaurants by working as a men’s room attendant for 12 years. Lazar explains that he only takes jobs he likes due to his inherited wealth. "My grandfather invented the rectal thermometer, and I’ve been living off the royalties ever since. Our family name is on every one of those joysticks though you’d never know it since most people smear it with Vaseline. So, the next time you have one in your mouth---or wherever---think of me!"

Believe it or not, working on tips in a men’s toilet pays good money. "It’s not too hard and sooner or later everybody has to go to the bathroom. I obligate them to tip, and if they don’t, I throw their chamber pot right back at them!" Eventually, he took his measly two-year earnings of $200,000, and spent it on the finest courtesans the iron curtain had to offer. "I’m not one for fine food and narcotics. I’m more into cheap women and going to the movies!" Still, he was left penniless after his 3rd wife, Ivana, left him for Donald Trump. Lazar returned to his love of sports announcing, and broadcasted international cockfights for Radio Free Europe.

When Lazar returned to America five years later, his life was a shambles. A new president was in office, he lost his last 4 paternity suits, and he even lost the 3 best suits he bought at Sears during his show trials. To add to his bad luck, he went golfing in his last pair pants and got a hole in one. With hardly any clothes on, Lazar shamefully had to perform in hardcore video pornography with talents like Houston and Seka. The late John Holmes once said about him: "Kaye has probably had to 'make love’ on film to 20,000 or 30,000 different women. Two at a time, three at a time---just to make ends meet. I’m sure he regrets everyone of those films." Still, Lazar taught Ron Jeremy everything he knows. Lazar declares, "It’s really quite easy to last longer--- just think of the girls from The Facts of Life in leotards."

Once Lazar got his pants back on, he called on his old high school friend, Gorgeous George Valentine to give him a job. GG’s life was even more chaotic than Lazar’s, so they pooled their last $800,000 and taped a pilot for their show. They sent it to NBC, then CBS, then FOX, UPN, ESPN, MTV, MTV en Espanol, Univision, the Golf Channel, WE, the NASA Channel, the Nashville Network, and others. They turned down the NASCAR channel, but found a home on local cable access. Their timeslot proved to be a winner! The first Gorgeous George shows played right after "Play Bridge with the Experts", and in the ratings, routinely defeated their competition 80% of the time. Granted, the competition was usually an infomercial for the George Foreman grill, but they fought fire with fire by launching an infomercial of their own. Sadly, their venture, "The Gorgeous George--Homemade Chicken Franks Kit" proved a crushing failure. Even though they sold well, some internet geeks figured out that the kits could turn vinegar into moonshine as well as turn ordinary chewing tobacco into high grade sinsemilla. George and Kaye had to cease and desist their production, but the few kits you can find on ebay will run you about $20,000 a piece.

Always looking for the next big thing, GG and Kaye compete with major celebrities in charity work. Rivals like Danny Thomas, Bob Geldof, and that French merde, Jerry Lewis, cannot hold their own jockstraps up when faced with GG’s persuasiveness in starting a halfway house for girls who won’t go all the way. In the field of medicine, though, their fundraising abilities have tried to cure diarrhea, hemorrhoids, bedwetting, dandruff, whisky dick, morning wood, and belly button lint, but no success so far. Their next big disease to tackle is death. Kaye Lazar states: "Once we cure death, there will be no need to find cures for all the other diseases. It’s a noble calling...and we’ll still do away with that awful Jerry Lewis telethon!"

For now, Kaye Lazar, when not doing the Gorgeous George show, goes to the high school assemblies and lectures the kids on not to take drugs or all the mistakes that he once made. This altruism also gives him an opportunity to hang around schoolyards and make new friends. Eventually, Lazar hopes his old friend, former Texas governor George Bush, Jr, appoints him to a cabinet post. "He picked his other friends as vice president, supreme court justice and head of FEMA. Since I once told him how to file a tax return , he should make me the new head of the Federal Reserve Bank."

Until then, the president’s loss is now Gorgeous George’s gain.